If you don’t have memories of Cousin Eddie emptying the waste from his RV into the sewer, all the while smoking a cigar, drinking a Meister Brau, shouting the immortal words “shitter was full,” then please, go watch Christmas vacation and come back…
Now that we’re all on
the same page, I’m realizing that Eddie and I are having more and more in
common. I used to think Homer Simpson and I were twins separated at birth, but
I’ve moved straight past him and into Uncle Eddie’s RV world. You have to love
Eddie, he’s simple but he has a big heart. He wants for his family and he does
his best to provide them with what they need while he’s “holding out for a management
position” (Vacation, 1983). Yeah, that’s me; holding out for a management position,
doing the best I can with what I have to work with.
I’ve been more
complicated. When I was younger I was full of wonder, the greatest of
intentions, and plenty of my own bullshit. I wanted to do something with my
life that had meaning and would affect those around me in a positive way. I
still want those things, but I have become much simpler as I’ve gotten older
and I’m finding that I have a naiveté that I didn’t realize I had. I have been
following the problems over at Google for the last couple of days and I find
myself wondering if we have unwound so completely as a society that we no
longer know what is appropriate and how to treat one another. I’ve also found
myself wondering if women are really treated differently in the work place, if their
pay is truly different than their male contemporary’s, and if sexual harassment
is really a thing. I mean why would one treat a woman differently? If you do
the same job you’d make the same money right? Who on earth would make unwanted advances
towards a woman, especially on the job?
For the record I am a
middle-aged white male; the quintessential display of privilege and entitlement.
From that perspective, I can say that men talk to men differently then they
talk to woman. I’ve seen it firsthand. I’m not sure why that is but I've seen it. My wife
assures me that it’s true and insists that I am the public face of our family
in all matters. “Men don’t talk to you the way they talk to me,” she says. Okay,
I get that. In my experience it’s about aggression and dominance. Men are
constantly sizing each other up and trying to get the better of one another.
When we talk to women, we take on a softer tone that can lean toward condescension.
I don’t talk that way to women but I was raised to be respectful to all people
and always treat a lady with the highest amount of respect…but that’s me.
I know there is plenty
of data out there to support the fact that woman get paid less than men. I don’t
know why that is and I’m not really qualified to tackle the subject, but I am
really curious about sexual harassment…so I asked my adult daughter what she
thought. “So is sexual harassment a real thing in your world?” She looked at me
for a couple of moments like she didn’t understand the question. “Yes Dad, it
is a very real thing.” She went on to give me some examples of inappropriate
comments, touching, and space invading. I say, “Who does that? I would never do
that...” To which she replies, “That’s because you’re a decent person.” Hmmm.
As I said, I’m
following Google with a lot of interest. The assertions that have been made in
the young Engineers “manifesto” are far flung and make me wonder what the men
of today are learning from their fathers. I started thinking Google needed to
start hiring some dads. Not professional HR people, just good old-fashioned
dads that know a thing or two about living. This would create a culture where
mature men could roam the halls of Google and attend meetings to help keep
young men from doing really stupid things. Some examples:
- It’s not OK to write a “manifesto” on company time about how you feel Google needs to distance itself from its diversity policies because some woman just can’t hack it…you’re on the clock, do that shit at home. Then come see me so I can explain why you’re never going to have a real meaningful relationship with a woman.
- Locker room talk is not for meetings, public spaces, or on the job…ever.
- No groping, touching, oogling, or crowding a woman anywhere ever. <see bullet one regarding meaningful relationships>
- Woman should be paid equally for equal work. Yes, we have physical differences but not mental ones. My wife is the toughest woman I’ve ever known…come tell her why she doesn’t rate the same money you do, I’ll call an ambulance before you get here.
- You are not funny. I don’t care what you’re mom or your bros think…she doesn’t either see bullet one.
- The bill of the cap goes in the front. Wearing it backward immediately identifies you as a bro and basic. Please stop.
- Money does not buy class. Women don’t care about money they care about content. The minute you think she’s impressed by your wealth you’re doomed, see bullet one.
Those are just a few
ideas, Google. Hire some dads and all your troubles will disappear. Young men
need guidance from older men. They don’t think they do but they do. The
behavior I see is the proof…as to Cousin Eddie…he’s simple and he looks for
simple solutions. If the shitter is full, then empty the damn thing out into
the sewer; just have some fun and a Meister Brau while you do it.
FIN
