My wife told me once that men
need to be around other men. She said this somewhere in the early days of our
marriage when I thought I knew most everything about most everything. The
ironic thing was that she actually did understand quite a lot about men even
back in those days. To make matters worse, I actually understood that too but
at that point in my life had no idea how to make any changes that would enable
me to have new male friends. It wasn’t always that way though…
I served in the US Marines from
1984 to 1988. I was a 1371 which is a Combat Engineer. I spent a couple years
on Okinawa and a couple at Camp Pendleton. It was peace time. I got to travel
some but I didn’t go slay bodies or spend any time under fire. Like many young
men I served, I did my time, and I got out. The reason I mention it is because
the Marines have a culture of brotherhood and the men that you serve with can become
closer to you than your natural born family.
It’s a culture of adversity you
see. Its foundation is built on the idea that, “yea this sucks ass but we’re
going to get through it together.” It means that you won’t let me quit when I
want to. It means that I’d be too ashamed to quit. It means that I got your
back and you got mine no matter how terrible things become. Men don’t fight
wars for flags, or countries, or ideals for the most part. You fight for the
guy on your right and the guy on your left.
Those are the guys that you are going to keep alive so they keep you
alive. If you ask a Marine what he misses about the Corp when he leaves, he will
tell you “the camaraderie.” Pretty simple stuff so far?
Men can have a hard time forming
new bonds even under the best of conditions. It only gets more difficult as you
get older. As we age, we have a habit of lapsing into a cycle of laziness and
cynicism. We no longer look at ourselves as being worth knowing. We forget
about the things that use to drive us or that we had passion for. We can and do
slip into obscurity and die quietly (hopefully with a long suffering wife that
has put up with our cranky asses).
My wife became my best friend and
as time went on, my only friend. Now if you’re a lady reading this you might be
thinking “well that’s right, you should be best friends with your wife,” and on
some level you’re right. However there is a difference between being friends
with your wife and having a bud that you trust. I am not of the mind that I
need to know absolutely everything about my wife or vice versa. She needs to
have her own thoughts that have nothing to do with me and I need to have separate
thoughts that don’t have her at their center. Now don’t misunderstand what I
said. My wife and I know each other so well we don’t even have to talk some
times. I can hear her thoughts in my head and I know she can hear me as well.
So we are connected on a very deep level. We are of one mind and one purpose.
We are dedicated to one another in a way that keeps two people together over
the course of a life…but even on that level, a man needs to be around other
men.
When I make that statement the
first thing that comes to my mind is that we need each other so we know how to
act. I know that sounds strange but I believe that one of the reasons the men
of this generation have such a hard time with their identifies is that they don’t
have strong men around them to teach them what is and is not acceptable and appropriate.
We need to make fun of each other, to be encouraging, and to talk with. There
aren’t too many things I won’t discuss with the wife but I don’t want her to
see me be unsure or weak. A good male friend is someone that you can show that
side to. Sure, he may tease you a little…call you a puss or tell you to man the
fuck up but he won’t let you go off the grid. He will hold you to whatever
standards exist between you. If you’re lucky enough to be in a strong group of
friends you’re even better off. That’s what a platoon of Marines can be like.
It’s tough…mean at times but you know where you stand. There is no ambiguity.
I haven’t had that in a long
time. I recently took a new job that put me in a training environment that was
so much like the Marines it made my head spin. We started off as a class of
fourteen. Over the course of six weeks we lost a couple guys and ended it up
with twelve. It was a tight group. We were united by the adversity of the
situation. Endlessly being told how precarious our situation was gets on your
nerves (i.e., “there are fifteen behind you to take your place if you don’t
like it”). For some, they were learning things they had never seen before and
had a hard time getting their heads around. We helped each other. We
encouraged. We taught. We also cussed, farted, called each other gay, and
farted some more. It was like a gang of ten year old boys. It was glorious. I
made some new friends and I felt good about a lot of things.
Yes, men need other men. I think
if we could find a way back to having more masculine culture things would be
better. Men of character and men of substance hold each other to high
standards. They don’t lie, they don’t step on others for their own benefit,
they treat woman with love and passion, they teach their children right and
wrong, protect the weak, and fight back to back for the good of all.
Thank you my new friends for
helping me remember.
FIN
Great read!
ReplyDelete